Say Goodnite; Not Goodbye [entries|friends|calendar] Josselle [ userinfo | livejournal userinfo ] [ calendar | livejournal calendar ]

Point A to point B [25 Apr 2011|12:53pm] I know Justin Timberlake's What Goes Around is about Britney's infidelity, but tell me why I could relate to all the words in that song this morning... "You know I gave you the world You had me in the palm of your hand So why your love went away I just can't seem to understand Thought it was me and you babe Me and you until the end But I guess I was wrong... Don't want to think about it Don't want to talk about it I'm just so sick about it Can't believe it's ending this way Just so confused about it Feeling the blues about it I just can't do without ya Tell me is this fair? Is this the way it's really going down? Is this how we say goodbye? Should've known better when you came around That you were gonna make me cry It's breaking my heart to watch you run around 'Cause I know that you're living a lie That's okay baby 'cause in time you will find... What goes around comes all the way back around... Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone. a thousand clever lines unread

"You know that I could use somebodyyy" [16 Feb 2011|03:17am] Trust is a fragile thing. You can't buy it, you don't freely have access to it. Trust is something you earn. So what do you do when the person you trust most in this world lies to you. Not even a simple lie, but an elaborate twisted series of lies-horribly fed straight to your face. I have this theory. Sometimes some ppl lie because they know they've already fucked up royally & now since they're already at risk of losing something really important to them, they don't know what else to do. Even when they're caught, they'll still lie because 1. They're freaking out and 2. They're hoping something they manage to come up with will somehow save them from the trouble they're in. This never works. You can't move forward and after all the progress we've made, put us back at square one. I know I'm not perfect, I've made mistakes, I've manipulated stories so as to save what I thought I'd lose. But that was in the past, the stakes have never been this high before. At this point I thought we'd be beyond that and that you, (after the standards I thought I could hold you to) were better than that. Help me understand why you did this. Because your lack of words and utter disregard for my crumbling state all point to you being guilty of some act I can't even bear to imagine. Remember if this is all still a game, two can play it. I'm better at this than you are, TRUST ME. Baby if you push, I push back. I'm only loyal to those who are loyal in return. If you're slipping, don't even second-guess what I'm capable of. You're on the brink of deeply hurting me, but trust I can break you. & baby that's not a threat, it's just a fact <3 Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone. a thousand clever lines unread

Far East Movement - Rocketeer ft. Ryan Tedder [19 Nov 2010|01:46am] [ mood | Determined ] Here we go, come w/ me. There's a world out there that we should see... I am in love with that song. So today I accomplished a dozen things. Where my last year went I have absolutely no idea. Where I'll be next year I also have no idea. And how I'm going to stay standing for the next month is beyond me. But it will happen. As always go big or go home. Take a deep breath, work hard and know that moments like these could make or break you, so don't tread lightly. -- JCS. a thousand clever lines unread

Bottoms Up... [09 Oct 2010|01:55am] 1. I am NOT driving out to see you anymore. 2. I'm over you. Always in the valley to visit your frat brothers. I'm down the fuckin street and you can never leave just to stop by and say hello. I made a promise to try and stop taking things for granted. Maybe you should've made that promise. I need to step it up, not in regards to you but to me. I had this fabulous plan before you and I need to stick to it. My future is grad school. Stay up late driving back from your house, or stay up late cause of grad apps. I wouldn't be as smart as I claimed to be if I even considered prioritizing you. Plus it wasn't like I ever pictured a future. Let's be serious. We don't mesh well :) Posted via LiveJournal.app. a thousand clever lines unread

Where'd all the good people go? [22 Sep 2010|09:45am] So here I sit (not in a hotel off of sunset, unfortunately) but in a Starbucks in B-town. Funny how everytime the manfriend & I have some sort of relationship-altering incident I coincidentally end up sitting @ this particular Starbucks feeling a bit under-the-weather. Jazz music, blenders & business men w/ European accents. It's almost kind of lethargic to listen to them. Familiar, comfortable. I'm super exhausted for some odd reason even tho I got a solid 3 hours of sleep this morning. Hmmm this must be what it's like to get old. Like everything else in my seemingly picture perfect existence, I hope my birthday festivities & relationship situation are nothing but fun times filled w/ lots & lots of alchohol-& a Britney song or two. xoxo --Josselle Posted via LiveJournal.app. a thousand clever lines unread

Take a deep breath & smile... [20 Sep 2010|12:06am] I have the best, best friend ever. Like I told her, I don't tell anyone anything really because it's none of their business. But I tell her everything cause she's honest, she stands by me 110% and she reaffirms what I already know I should do. No one else knows all about the good, the bad, the ugly and the gorgeous. & my cbf is coming down from Sacramento? If his other half shows up too I might just cry like @ my graduation party when I saw them walk down those stairs. It's so rare to find people like the ones I surround myself with. I am not worthy to be this fortunate. Once again it's that time of year where I wish I could say the same about my SO. Bff is right, I shouldn't stress myself out over it. This is NOT my future. Yes it's been 3 years in the making, but many great things take awhile and when you finally have it, you realize it's not all you thought it would be and that you can certainly do without. This is not a priority. I just lost my way for a moment and there you were, to pick up those misplaced pieces. But I'm finally getting back on track-and best friends call it like they see it-once back on track, this will all cease to exist. "Traded your world for these scars?" Stay strong. Just ride it out. Posted via LiveJournal.app. a thousand clever lines unread

In this crazy world... [19 Sep 2010|01:47am] I miss --- so much. So much that it hurts, it's palpable. I still can't fathom how people can go from being so perfect to so messed up in a matter of moments. I wish things were different. I wish people tried to make things better when things first start to go bad-not when things are so far gone do they then try to make things right. People only feel pressured to try when it's too late. Maybe just this one time we could've used a lifeguard, maybe we did need saving. Posted via LiveJournal.app. a thousand clever lines unread

Vindicated [18 Sep 2010|12:49am] I am so unbelievably fortunate to have come across wonderful guys who have somehow managed to capture my heart. I've fallen head over heels 4 times & 4 times only. With that said, however, they are most definitely the same type of guy and as much as it pains me to say it-that type will just never work in the long run. I need to put on a happy face and just try and keep things on track. I would never try to change you because I really do love you just the way you are. Unfortunately, I can't love myself for putting up with the things I've been putting up w/ lately. I wouldn't even ask to alter things because the way I see it, if you don't see what's wrong, I can't make you understand & that's just the way it is. 2 weeks to keep things under wraps & then do what I absolutely have to do. Together or not, we must both move on w/ our lives. Sink or swim. I don't want to wake up hating you & I don't want us to slowly fall apart to the point where we don't even recognize the pieces anymore. If you weren't you and I wasn't me we wouldn't be as great, but maybe we'd work. I'm planning our end and letting it unravel here? I love you. But that isn't enough. Posted via LiveJournal.app. a thousand clever lines unread

[17 Sep 2010|01:02am] You're too much for me to deal with. I have a future to plan out and you require too much maintenance. I just don't want to be you girlfriend anymore. I wish I could say that to your face & stick to it. Posted via LiveJournal.app. a thousand clever lines unread

"Eyes are feeling heavy but they never seem to close... [16 Sep 2010|02:53am] & the fan blades on the ceiling spin but the air is never cold. & even tho you're next to me I still feel so alone. I just can't give you anything for you to call you're own..." Goodness I hope those last two lines aren't true. & I didn't think it would embarass you Mr. Conceited. Walls down, I'd rather tell you how I feel and then feel silly saying it then keep it all in and one day regret that it was too late to tell you what you needed to hear. I want so badly to hold on to you because I feel like for the past 3 years I took you for granted like I could pick up where I left off without any consequences. & everytime you came around you put up with my nonsense & then put me in my place @ the very same time. I needed that. It kills me that you have a past so detailed, but it's also a good thing because you've experienced whatever it was that has now hopefully made us better. & I've got a past to, one that I'm oh-so-proud of and embarassed of all at the same time. Maybe that's why I have my paranoid moments because I know now that all it takes is a txt message, a fb comment or a 2 am phone call to put us back at square one. I am so scared you could break me, but I love the way you make me feel right now that I'm whole. & obviously I really do think you're hot stuff cause um, hello? I'm pretty much the business :) "Life is short. While you're living go love somebody." --Maybe even though I'd love to go thru life guarded, there's just a part of me that has so much love to give, I just want someone worthy enough to be able to reciprocate it. Posted via LiveJournal.app. a thousand clever lines unread

Whoa-Oh What Are You Waiting For?? [13 Sep 2010|02:16am] Everything is business. I the had the most horrible nightmare during my nap today. I woke up shaking, streased out and completely locked in. My subconscious is either feeling guilty or making me fully aware of what that party is fully capable of. Either way, not the most ideal sleeping thoughts. This is what it feels like to have the opportunity to take hold of something after three years, constantly mess it up, fix it time & time again & then be so invested you're so afraid to lose it. Pockets huh? That's an absurd place to want to be. I want us to last more than anything but what I want and what I know what will be are two completely, seperate things. "...say goodbye to my heart tonight." Posted via LiveJournal.app. a thousand clever lines unread

Man Up, Girl Down. Who wears the pants, who can pull off the skirt? [08 Sep 2010|02:03am] This is what it's like to be crazy, head-over-heels in love? I seriously think we need therapy. And like I once told my little, I refuse to need any sort of communicative therapy unless I am married and there is a large sum of financial profit involved. That's what happens when you're just completely invested in someone. Just hearing them reminisce about their glory days makes you squirm in your seat. (Cause let's face it, you remember how great your glory days were too and the trouble you caused you would not wanna repeat in front of your significant other. And if I'm pointing fingers and placing blame, I should really stop and consider all the shit I've done) We really need to calm the fuck down. One shuts down and the other one instigates. Which one do you wanna be, the tornado or the volcano? Blah. There are some things you just have to let go and then there are some things that take some time to get over. Choose your battles wisely. To a journalist, words mean everything. Meet me half way. Posted via LiveJournal.app. a thousand clever lines unread

Heartbreaks & Promises...I've Had More Than My Share... [03 Sep 2010|04:03am] I need to clear my head so here it goes. This week has sucked. I have been elaborately reminded of how I lost someone very dear to me, I lost my life in the form of a technological gadget, and manfriend and I are yet again on the worst terms possible. So I'm going to try to make sense of all of this for probably months to come but now I'm just going to ramble because like that song, "cause if I get [these words] out they're no longer inside of me threatening the life they belong to..." I can deal w/ situations 1 & 2. The last I'm going to spill out all right here. I am a Libra. I am attracted to Aries. This is quite possibly the worst combination in the Zodiac. But I don't care. Amidst the chaos, disrespect and hysterical outbursts, I was able to immediately take a step back from the situation and into the other person's shoes. What I harmlessly viewed as a simple hello, my other half saw as a broken promise. The moment I got home, it didn't take me long to realize why everything went down the way it did. I have this amazing boyfriend. I don't think anyone gets me the way he does. We are riiidiculous in every way. Ridiculous when we're cracking jokes, when we're picking on each other, when we are in a room full of people and completely and utterly only focused on each other, and unfortunately, we're also ridiculous when we fight. & that kills me. But this is why... We have a history. From the very first moment I met him, there was just something about him that stuck with me. Out of sight, out of mind, sure-but every time he was back in sight, my mind was filled w/ thoughts about him. We are very different and very much the same. This has produced it's numerous ups and downs. I don't ever have to explain who I am or why I do what I do or decipher what often comes out as word vomit. And he is who he is and he never makes apologies for it. (Although sometimes I'd give anything to hear him utter those words, "I'm sorry.") I can call him out when he's acting like a child and he doesn't put up with my nonsense. Back to the history. I believe we were a long time coming. We encountered our fair-share of bullshit. We were both the very best at head-games. Cocky, stubborn and very much attracted to the chase. But we were also very much attracted to each other. CHEMISTRY. My favorite word to describe the cluster-fuck that is Ronnie & Josselle. Skipping over the awful side stories I'll get right to the point. We have hurt each other ridiculously. When you have two people who aren't used to letting their guard down, you usually end up with a catastrophe. Both parties are afraid that everything they're feeling, the good and the bad, could all possibly come true. Being vulnerable is not their strong suit and they do everything they can to put up this front so you can't possibly read them. But one day they both decide to give it a go. And they fail, miserably. And after a strong period of rationality and self-control, they eventually find a way back to each other. And then the other person who experienced the wrong-doing becomes the wrong-doer. But after another strong period of time apart, they realize they want this to work more than anything. I now see everything from your perspective. That one time on the way home from Pinkberry, we mentioned DS & I sarcastically asked if you were bitter about the situation. You looked at me w/ the most serious expression and asked me, "How could I not be?" And then we discussed EW. And I thought about it a lot. Not gonna lie, I obsessed over your situation for a good moment when it happened. It hurt like hell. And I did the same thing to you-but worse. And sure, they were at different times, but setbacks only make it even harder to move forward. Doubts will always be there and mistakes just add more fuel to the fire. But I fully believe in that quote "I am prepared to move in any direction, provided that it be forward." Love makes people do crazy things. Say hurtful words, force actions that one could possibly later regret. But love also breaks down walls, musters up courage and pretty much gives you that feeling in your soul you may have forgotten existed because you were so jaded by life. With that said, I think about you all the time. I can't wait for the end of the day where I can just hang out with you and only you. Cliches and all, after keeping my heart and immense emotions of love locked up, I just wanna give it to you so you can keep it in your pocket-yes, your pocket. And not in such a non-elaborate place because it doesn't mean anything, but because I want you to carry it with you all the time. I want it to be a sort of second-nature, like an id or a phone-almost as if it's a part of you, something so naturally existent, yet absolutely necessary towards the functioning of your every day life. I know it's very silly to think ahead. But I've never considered futures w/ significant others because I viewed them as recipes for disaster. But I can picture more moments of happiness, together. And sure, there will be bumps on the road. Maybe some U-turns here and there. But nothing I don't think we can handle. I just want you to need me just as much as you need sports and I promise to acknowledge your value as much my Louis V <3 a thousand clever lines unread

You & Me & All of the people... [10 Aug 2010|03:16am] You put your walls down, knowing the history and going against your better judgement and everything you think you believe in. Then you step right in, thinking that this could work if you just gave all of yourself. And then that person breaks you. Then comes the period of solitude where you don't know whether to laugh or cry. Laugh because you knew you shouldn't have taken that chance, and cry because you're hurt-completely and utterly hurt. And just like that, you're broken and it sucks. But every so often, it doesn't end w/ just being broken. There's that period of anger, bitterness, then eventually this overwhelming feeling that you just can't live w/ out the other person in your life. Not in the dramatic you need them to survive kind of way, but in the you know life is just better when they're around sort of way. So when you've had time to cool off, you somehow swallow your pride, expect a lot of apologizing on the other person's part, and then instead of stepping in slowly, you jumps back in. Because some things are worth that risk, and even though you know full well this person could break you worse than before, you're trusting them not to. Hypocritical, bitter, angry, hurt, whatever. I think I finally understand that 1 line in the Lady A song I hate so much. "I'd rather hurt than feel nothing @ all." But really, I def wouldn't rather be hurt so watch it. But I seriously feel like I'm on cloud 9. I forgot what it's like to feel like this and it scares me. "You build me up, you break me down, my heart it pounds yea you got me..." Yea & I just hope I make your heart beat like an 808 drum. Lol. Posted via LiveJournal.app. a thousand clever lines unread

I'm Not Afraid...In Between These Lines [22 Jul 2010|03:07am] My music videos are back! Good thing cause today was no bueno. Eminem I loooove you! So my day was sucky. I absolutely hate relationships. I think I'm good at finding myself in them, but not any good at being in them. It's like I know what we should be doing but don't actually do that. Or maybe I just shouldn't date an Aries, like ever. Ay-yo! (in a Sri Lankan accent) what to do, what to do?! Facebooks will get you into trouble, no matter how many tracks you try to cover. & passcodes will let the skeletons out of your closet. I have work in 6 hours. I need one of those to get ready & another half for commuting. I just wanna stay up til the sun comes up w/ someone who appreciates Eminem's anger & Weezy's witty rhymes. & thinks Drake is just eh but loves the Your Love vid cause the object of interest ultimately blows his head off. Puts me before the boys, most of the time. Can be honest if a girl is hot or not, but thinks I'm absolutely gorgeous. && knows he's lucky to have me in his life-while I'm actually still there. Knows that I'm The Boss, The Ringleader, && The one who wears the pants "Keep drinking coffee, stare me down across the table...I hate to break it to you babe, but I'm not drowning...who died and made you king of anything." Manic & jittery. I've got Coke (soda) flowing thru my system. Why haven't I been able to control my nerves? I used to be fearless. Now I'm one big scaredy-cat. I hate pansies, I can't be in that category. I bought the coolest necklace today. A long chan w/ a ginormous fish @ the end. Symbolizes there are plenty of fish in the sea and I've always got a hold of the biggest one. Hahah. <3 Besos, Josselle Posted via LiveJournal.app. a thousand clever lines unread

Your love, your love... [20 Jul 2010|04:35pm] Libras are very passionate people. They want to give give give-their love, and absolutely be loved and paid attention to in return. They give there all because they realize there is no better time than the present. Sometimes they're irrational-although usually detail-oriented and extremely level-headed, (analyzing all aspects of any situation), they eventually give in to the fact that they wear their emotions on their sleeve. Despite every possible aspect of self-doubt they realize there is no better time than the present and if they're going to get what they want, the time is now. However, you know when they say too much of one thing is never a good thing? That completely and wholely applies to the Libra. Falling deep into any one thing and wanting to constantly be surrounded by said thing is one thing, but unfortunately how quickly a libra takes liking to something, does a libra turn against it. Attention spans are short and libras change infatuations like seasons. But when it all comes down to it, libras believe in doing what makes them happy. So they'll jump, maybe fall, and when if they somehow end up down and out, they'll eventually get back up again and satrt anew. Long live the manic, peaceful-loving Libra! "And it feels like we could last forever, and I'm not doing this alone..." -Anberlin xoxo Josselle Posted via LiveJournal.app. a thousand clever lines unread

I can't be tamed... [16 Jul 2010|03:08pm] I'm honestly in such a crappy mood right now. My harmony-loving libra self is a total wreck. Maybe it is just time to really be a free bird. You can't go anywhere if you're not really willing to take the first few steps & move. Let's save the serious stuff for later. I'm not ready to worry about wrinkles. I need a magical leader of the pack, not a goofy. :) xoxo Josselle Posted via LiveJournal.app. a thousand clever lines unread

All the crazy shit we did last night... [26 Jun 2010|09:26am] It's not even 9 yet, woke up @ 8 even tho Im pretty sure we went to bed @ 5. I'm super antsy, my nose is stuffy, and I feel like (how I would imagine of course) how it would feel if I was a on a total coke high and I was JUST coming down. I have this desperate need to go for a brisk walk and by all of my fellow roommates some coffee even tho they're all still sleeping. Weird. Like I said, crack. So last night was one of the craziest, weirdest, un-like me things I have ever done. I wanna call Leo and tell him after 10 yrs of him trying to get me go to EDC, I finally went. I think I'm def still reeling over it. It was all def out of my comfort zone. I have to admit I really was feeling so anxious about it cause I didn't know how I'd be able to handle the festivities. I can't drink when the sun is up, I'm not a fan of drugs nor do I ever engage in the partaking of any sort of illegal substance, I can't when I'm in the proper state of mind stand listening to techno, trance or house, oh yea-and I hate crowds. Yet yesterday was some of the most fun I've had in a long time. I was w/ out my inner circle, yet was able to mingle w/ ppl that I love but don't necessarily ever really get to talk to. Oh yea, and I did something I swore I would never ever do. All in the name of some good fun. I want so desperately to call Leo and tell him that after 10 yrs of me being soooo mature and so uptight, I finally went to EDC--and actually liked it. I wish my CBF, best friend and my BFF were all there. I'm sure they wouldve been proud-and continuously laughing their asses off. Despite the normal crazy-high ppl feel, I seriously have never felt so chill in my entire life, like I didn't have to take everything so seriously. Now I know why ppl take drugs, that escape is real. Haha. I really just wanted to sit back in my chair and observe my surroundings, alone. Omg. I am extremely grateful to my non-bf for being there. I'm so happy we share this weird excitement for life in our very own ways and I am so happy he was there to look out for me even tho I obviously didn't need taking care of :) And the little ones who I have watched grow up, mainly the kiddies I have been responsible for...Oye. It was weird to see them like that, (so not sweet and innocent anymore) and feel their concern for me. It's not like I needed taking care of last night, but the fact that I've always been the oldest for the most part, makes me used to having to worry about-and be there-for my little ones. In spite of the horrible aftermath, EDC was amazing. I made a vow that it would be my first and last rave ever. Really tho, I wish I had gone w/ my old friends in high school or even in my early college years-a time when I didn't have to be so responsible. Low-key, had I gone, I think I wouldve been addicted. Haha. So here I sit, in a dark hotel room on Wilshire. If I had a guitar I could write a song about what I'm feeling right now... Things as we know it have changed, and life as it was will not longer be the same. It really is funny how things can change so drastically in a year. xoxo Josselle Posted via LiveJournal.app. a thousand clever lines unread

The Post-Grad Life [20 May 2010|12:24am] So here I sit. Not in a five-star hotel in the motherland, at my uncle's trendy flat in Prague over-looking the castle of a former communist country, or in front of a MAC book @ my aunts accounting firm in Manhattan's finance district, but in my room-iPhone in hand updating my lj through an app. This evening my room is unusually cluttered. I'm still dressed in the clothes I wore to my parents' anniversary dinner, donning half my jewelry, the rest allocated in different areas where they should def not rest. There are half empty or half full--depending on how you look @ it--water bottles next to my desk. A pair of Marc Jacobs sunglases lay next to my couch adjacent to Steve Madden wedges one over-turned, the other straight like a soldier. I look around & there's a Louis, Juicy and Coach either hanging from a hook or resting on some other designer carryall of some sort. I'm surrounded by a stack of loan modification forms. I pretend to sit diligently as I browse the thick packet of debt I must repay-a not so small amount thanks to that fine CSUN education. I want a drink when in reality what I need is someone to explain to me the difference between all these numbers and time frames. Baffled by interest rates, both subsidized & capitalized, I've taken my favorite black pen & signed my life away--twice. My hair is now ruffled from stress of an overwhelming number of white pages with black print. Whoever said post-grad life was completely fabulous may have been wrong. It's just filled with fabulous things. Some words of wisdom :: Enjoy college while you can. You'll never be more free than you are pre-real world. And congrats to the new 2010 graduates, you can no longer party every night of the week and still be able to function the next day! xoxo Josselle Posted via LiveJournal.app. a thousand clever lines unread

Sheltered & Concealed [12 May 2010|09:38am] I try climb your steps, I try to chase you down, I try to see how low I can get down to the ground. Over & over & over again. Keep spinning around I know that it won't stop til I step down from this for good. Posted via LiveJournal.app. a thousand clever lines unread

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